Exclusive but Only Dating, More Than Talking but Somehow Not Together: The Anxiety and Exhaustion of Navigating That

Talking stage. Situationship. Exclusive. These words didn’t used to exist, but now they seem to define everything. They’re supposed to give us clarity, but often they just create more confusion. The rise of these modern dating labels has muddied the waters and made it harder to know where we actually stand with someone.

They reduce accountability and can make it easier to dodge commitment. One person’s “exclusive” might feel like a full-blown relationship, while the other still feels single. One person thinks they’re headed toward long-term, while the other is still casually swiping. When those expectations don’t line up, someone always ends up hurt. The hard part is that these labels feel like progress. They give the illusion that we’re moving forward. But if we’re not actually on the same page, then we’re just assigning new names to the same uncertainty.

Our family is left just as confused. I remember when my sister was dating her now-husband and every time my mom called him her boyfriend, she’d respond in pure frustration with, “He’s not my boyfriend!” Eventually my mom turned to me and said, “What does that even mean?”

Good question because it depends on who you ask.

These labels didn’t exist in our parents’ generation. They met, went on a few dates, and shortly after they were in a committed relationship. That doesn’t mean they had it all figured out, but it might have been simpler. Now, people can be in a situationship for over a year and still not call it a relationship. Sure, that works for some people. But for many, it leaves them constantly wondering how much they’re allowed to expect.

So why do we use these labels at all? For some, it helps give language to better describe that stage of dating. But for others, it’s a loophole. Saying, “We’re just talking,” or “We never said we were exclusive,” lets someone avoid the responsibility of commitment. Or even avoid the accountability of hurting someone they knew was emotionally invested. One of my favorite questions someone once asked was, “Is there anyone who would be hurt to know we’re out together right now?” It cuts through the labels and gets to the actual point. But let’s be honest, if the answer is yes, most people won’t tell you that.

We’re sometimes expected to carry the emotional burden of being their significant other, while not receiving the benefits we need. So when we don’t agree on a label or what it means, it can lead to more pain. 

I remember being his person. He called me his dog’s mom and said I was one of the only people he trusted with his dog. I was there all the time. He told me he didn’t want a relationship with me but days later he laid in my lap while he cried on one of his worst days. I carried that pain for him and he chose to never see me again. 

He wanted me as his, without the responsibility of being mine. He said he was clear about what he wanted and I didn’t listen because his actions and words didn’t match him saying that he didn’t want to be with me. Or better yet, I didn’t want to hear what he had to say. I cherry-picked his behaviors and words to fit the narrative I wanted. I only heard what I wanted to hear. But he also knew exactly what he was doing to me. We’re both responsible for it.

The truth is that playing it cool about labels causes anxiety. The longer you go without clarity, the more questions start bubbling up: Am I allowed to ask where this is going? Are they seeing other people? Am I wasting my time?

There are also times when the absence of a label tells you everything you need to know. Maybe they don’t want to define it because they aren’t sure. Or maybe they are sure and just don’t want to hurt you by saying it. If you’re consistently starting that conversation and keep getting shut down, then that should be everything you need to know. Phrases like, “I like the way things are,” or “We know what we mean to each other so why do we need to put a label on it?” are answers. They’re telling you what the label is. You aren’t on the same page.

Different definitions and expectations around timelines only make that anxiety worse.

There’s also the reality that sometimes it isn’t about dodging commitment. It’s about their attachment style. I know, I know, those are buzz words all over social media right now, but hear me out. Why do some of us need those labels? Because we feel anxious if we don’t have them. We crave intimacy and reassurance through closeness. We feel we need those words said. 

But not everyone works like that. Some people are more avoidant. They may feel like running when those things are front and center but that doesn’t mean they don’t like us. Labels and expectations can make them feel overwhelmed or like they’re losing their independence. Being emotionally vulnerable might not come easily to them. That creates a push-pull because one partner wants more clarity and the other pulls away or just thinks the conversation doesn’t need to happen. It doesn’t mean the relationship can’t work but there has to be mutual understanding and communication to build security.I had a friend who once asked a girl to be his girlfriend before their first date because he craved the security of a label. (He now admits that was weird.) Later, when I started dating someone I really liked, that same friend would ask me every week, “Did he ask you to be his girlfriend yet?” I was happy and secure in what we had, but he made me feel like it wasn’t enough without a label.

I joked with someone I dated that I’m the embodiment of a puppy wanting attention all the time while I need to ignore his reincarnated cat soul so he can recharge and come back on his own terms for affection. We understood each other and communicated about needs so there was nothing wrong with it.

I had a friend who once asked a girl to be his girlfriend before their first date because he craved the security of a label. (He now admits that was weird.) Later, when I started dating someone I really liked, that same friend would ask me every week, “Did he ask you to be his girlfriend yet?” I was happy and secure in what we had, but he made me feel like it wasn’t enough without a label.

Other times though, the label was exactly what I needed. There’s something reassuring about someone claiming you with no questions. But that title doesn’t guarantee they’ll stay. Sometimes it just gives us a false sense of security. There have also been times that someone will publicly post about being in a relationship but it’s hidden from everyone except the significant other. 

What do you gain from the label outside of security? 

For me, language matters. I want to make sure I’m using the terms we agree on. What do I call you when I talk to my mom? Will it be awkward if one of us uses a different word? Are there terms you don’t like? These are real questions that help prevent confusion.

Once, on a fourth date, I was out with a guy I knew for literally 12 days when we ran into someone he knew from high school. They were talking and eventually the guy looked at me then back at him and asked, “Is this your girl?”. I swear time stood still during that hesitation before he said, “Yeah.”

I laughed because, come on, it was only our fourth date. But that friend was a girls’ girl through and through because without skipping a beat, “Oh, why the hesitation?” with a smirk on his face. My date smiled, nodded his head, “Yeah, we’re dating.” Now imagine if that wasn’t twelve days in and he still didn’t know how to answer. Or worse, if he answered it “wrong.” That’s the kind of situation we want to avoid. 

It also keeps us looking ahead. When you’re in the talking stage, you want to be exclusive. When you’re exclusive, you want to be official. When you’re in a relationship, you want to be engaged. Then married. Then whatever comes next. We’re always chasing the next level. 

That pressure can push people forward at a pace they’re not ready for. It can turn something good into something tense. I know a couple who never called it a relationship before he proposed. That’s not typical, but it worked for them. On the other end, I know people who take years before hitting the next step. My best friend was with her now-husband for eight years before getting engaged. Meanwhile, I know others who couldn’t go two years without questioning if the relationship was going somewhere.

People forget that each stage comes with its own unique experiences and we should soak in those moments because we won’t get them back.

The truth is there’s no single “right” path. But when we put so much pressure on what things are called, we can miss how we actually feel in them. And if we’re not honest about what we want, we risk holding on to someone who isn’t giving it.